There is no such thing as a bad kid.
If you are reading this and you feel you know a kid that is bad or that you have a bad kid, please take a deep breath, sigh it out, re-align, and read below.
I stand firmly behind the knowing that there is no such thing as a bad kid. I believe that when you think of children as being bad there are a few things that are going on. (You may resonate with one area or more than one area below).
1. You are triggered. All children are mirrors. Something about this child is bringing to your awareness an area you haven’t healed. Think of your child, children you may work with, or one of your children’s friends. What about that kid is so triggering to you? Is he/she/they so free and loud where when you were at that age you were taught to have everything quiet, tidy, and in order? Are they pushing up against your limiting beliefs? That’s what kids do! They are so pure and shine SO bright that you unconsciously or subconsciously try to diminish their power by saying they are bad. Each child will show you where you need more compassion, more patience, and the places where you were pushed down so your light shined less bright at that age.
Example/Story: Teresa (pseudo name) is a mother who has the most perfect beige house. Everything is fancy, easily breakable, modern, sleek yet cold. When you enter her house, you wouldn’t know that a child in kindergarten also lives there. There is no color, no toys in the main areas, no playroom. One day when I was working with Teresa’s son, I was told that a friend was going to come over and told to “watch out” for this friend. “He is too much, too loud, doesn’t say thank you, and overall ‘not the best kid.’” She even told me he is rude because when he comes over, he likes to jump on the couch. Shortly after this boy arrived, I realized why he was “bad.” He has fun, he LIVES life, is fully in the energy of play, joy. He also is vocal. Given her personality, style of house, it is clear to me that she had some programming to be a porcelain doll. Not make too much noise. The thing here is, the child and her child are 5. They are meant to play. She wants her child to fit inside the house rather than have the house to fit him and his needs. When she came back after running an errand, she said with an intention to gossip what I thought about the boy. I thought he was fabulous. I thought he was free. I thought he knows how to have fun. Shortly after the boy left, her son had wiped his head (with washable blue hair dye on the couch) I got worried knowing the boy would be ok so I asked the 5-year-old for cleaning supplies so Teresa wouldn’t find out. The minute he saw the hair dye the look on his face was scared. Even the husband shared that it was best not to tell the wife. That’s the kind of energy that was in this home. No matter what, any kid that is loud, plays, is messy, jumps on the couch – they wouldn’t be celebrated. Why? Because it brings up something about her. It never had anything to do with the child.
2. The child is projecting to heal and complete a cycle. All children are fragile and sensitive. I believe when we begin to look at adults this way (seeing them as hurt children who have not unstuck their nervous system, we can begin to love more – ourselves included). When there is trauma (of any degree) the nervous system gets stuck and caught in a loop. It is the natural tendency of humans and nature to get something to be unstuck. That is why, at times, you may notice sometimes you may exhibit behavior that is risky or troublesome falling back into patterns with friends or partners to get them to love you in a way you didn’t receive when you were younger. Trying to right the wrongs of the past or get something deep within you to complete. Children do the same thing, they repeat similar patterns that are not positive because they are trying to be nurtured or cared for when initially they weren’t.
Example/Story: I worked with elementary school teachers at a public school in Brooklyn. One teacher shared she had the worst class and no matter what resources I provided with her; her children would ALWAYS be “bad.” I pointed to the name, Jessica (pseudo name) on her roster and asked her to tell me about this child. Jessica was failing and according to our social-emotional report she had the lowest self-worth, a sign that could eventually lead to school drop-out and childhood depression if not addressed. I asked how Jessica behaves in school and she told me Jessica curses at her every day, throws things, walks out of class. The behavior seemed pretty aggressive, so I asked if she knew what was going on at home. At home, Jessica’s mother said she didn’t want her anymore and that she was going to be kicked out. It all made sense. Jessica, a 5th grader, is under severe stress. She is not getting along with her mother, is losing or has already lost her sense of safety (home, love, support from Mom). So, each day Jessica is projecting her mother wound onto the only female adult in the room. What Jessica needs is to be loved in her anger. She is a young girl who, at home, when she is “bad” she gets threatened and told that she isn’t wanted and will get kicked out. She isn’t loved or consoled and asked what’s wrong. The teacher is the stand in. The test/”game” Jessica is playing will this adult woman do the same. If she does, this is comforting because it is all she knows. I told the teacher that what Jessica needs is one on one time, to be asked if she is ok, maybe even have a girls lunch. Then, the teacher shared that when she praises Jessica she sees a completely different side. The nicest girl, someone who always cleans, helps others. So, what is the other behavior? She is not Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, she is projecting and needs to complete the cycle. All she needs is someone who doesn’t walk away from her.
3. The child is modeling what is being taught at home. If you’ve ever been a teacher you know when you have that kid in class that you can’t quite put your finger on, maybe she/he/they is the class clown, the know-it-all, unusual mannerisms. Then, you see the parents on back to school night and it all clicks – they are a mirror image of the parents. I have so many examples to share but here is one that might bring it home in today’s society.
Example/story: A friend Rebecca has a 2 year old son, named Jason. One day Rebecca’s son was on the playground when an “overbearing 5 year old girl” Sammie walked up. Sammie always bullies Jason. She tells him how to play, pushes him around, and Rebecca said she doesn’t know what to do. She wants Jason to learn to stick up for himself, but the girl always bullies him and he looks to Rebecca as if to say “HELP ME!” I knew the behavior and already knew the dynamic at home. I said, her Mom must be overbearing/bullies the husband. Her mouth was wide open in complete shock asking me how I know. She told me it’s actually quite a scene. The husband is the most chill guy and will take Sammie to the playground. 10-15 minutes later the wife comes like a bulldozer and screams at him in public how he doesn’t nothing right, bullies him in public. Tells him what to do. He rolls his eyes, sighs, and ignores her (fueling her rage). The mom is not to blame her nor is her husband. This is their dynamic. So, when the little girl is playing house, who does she be? She plays the role of Mom. Kids learn how to behave in relationships due to their parents dynamic, parents relationship with others, they absorb EVERYTHING.
4. The child is meeting his/her/their need. AKA the child is just seeking to be loved.
Underneath every behavior, all we want as human beings is to be loved. Why? Because we come from Love, from Source. If we can’t get love in healthy ways, we will seek out unhealthy ways to get love. Even bad attention is still attention. Please see FREE PDF TO UNDERSTAND MORE.
When you think that a kid is bad, please remember this and dig deeper – work on your own feelings, try to see the child as Whole, Pure, Love, and Light, model healthy ways of being. Even if at first they continue to want to fight you, don’t give up. Inside there is a kid who needs more love not less. Inside there is a kid who has been taught to grow up before they are ready, to accommodate to another way of being because to be truly vulnerable isn’t safe, and to be what another adult says or want them to be which creates a rage inside where they want to be seen for who they are.
Love them. Love you. Begin to love everyone. We are all in this together.
